Journal Entry #29 - Let's Talk About the Elephants....Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression....What Happened During the Process? And my visions?

JOURNAL ENTRY #29
Name: Manley M Collins
Social Security Number: 5 7 9 - * * - 6 5 4 1
Date of Birth: 06/21
Place of Birth: Washington, District of Columbia
Country of Birth: United States of America
Date: January 1, 2020

TOPIC: Let's Talk About The Elephants....Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression....What Happened During the Process? And my visions?

DEPARTMENT: United States Department of Justice
DEPARTMENT: United States Department of Education
DEPARTMENT: United States Department of Health
DEPARTMENT: United States Department of Transportation
DEPARTMENT: United States Department of Labor

Reality has set in and subsided.
Life can make someone decide on some tough choices.

Now, that I have spoken with the United States Department of Justice and United States Department of Defense, I am worthless now since my clearance is permanently removed and it is frown upon if anyone tries to fix it.

So, this post is the real talk about what truly transpired during the 10 year mental illness phase - crazy suppression.  Up2Us Sports, DCPS, CNCS/AmeriCorps, and TeensRunDC, you were let off the hook because I am focusing more on my move than actually pursuing any additional civil suits/lawsuits and it is not worth it for a $2200 education award. Yamaha and Coleman PowerSports, I not pursuing you for $1800 dollars.  South Carolina State University never produced a US president, DeVry/Keller definitely never produced a US president or any type of politician, and University of Phoenix never produced any politician.  I played the Education Lottery and only won up to $50 dollars.  I did lawsuits and got nothing even though harm and hurt was done.  Homeless people have disability checks, veteran checks, pension checks, and other types of government checks.  I gave money away and got nothing in sense of something that could be of value.  Mother's death provided $1500 dollars because my stepfather/her husband decided to share with the kids.  Biological father's death estate situation is totally unknown and I am moving on.  My most precious stuff got taken away and nothing returned.  My family, friends, and certain communities proved that they were nothing and I will be nothing in the United States of America.  So I literally have the hardest life, I have to work for every penny and use it wisely.  After analyzing my biological father's FaceBook profile, I literally saw everything about what life did to him and had so much real estate that no one wanted....and if we were not estranged or had animosity toward each other...I had the power and knowledge to run everything from Texas while living elsewhere.  Yes, family I am the one who sent notification to FaceBook to memorialize his profile.  I am asking Paris, France or Europe in general get me there....please get me there.

This is my plan.
Letting Go: Washington, DC
Up Next: South Carolina
Researching: Massachusetts
Practicing French culture: Canada
Patiently Waiting to Begin New Venture: France (the other red, white and blue) and do everything all over again in a different country and different language.

First, around 2006, life directed me to start researching panic attacks and anxiety because while in Chicago I was very unhappy or depressed about a new city I did not know.  I was listening to Missy Elliot's Moving On and had the longest one to two hour crying session that tears could literally fill a water pail. I was moving back to Washington, DC.  I did not know the reason why, but I guess life saw something coming.  Then in 2007 after my trip to Italy and Aruba and doing espressos, chocolate and alcohol, which never affected me before. No family member or anyone that had the condition did not warn me about what happens.  The Atlanta home in Tucker, GA was for my love Monica, Philip, and me, and the kids we discussed having.  At work at the US Department of Defense in Crystal City, I was working and something started happening while sitting at my desk.  It was a calamity of emotions, deep suppression of being assaulted at work, stress of buying a new $600,000 DC home out of anger that the Atlanta $350,000 new home did not listen to my inspector's requests, and my brain all of suddened felt like it flipped. I calmly left work, but it was a scary thing. I was screaming and yelling out of my Ford Expedition at signal stop lights or traffic. I was driving through DC streets afraid to head back to my house in Fort Lincoln/Woodridge and went to my grandparents home in Petworth. Oh my God, my grandparents tried to calm me down, but I was screaming and yelling and they were telling me drink water, drink water.  I was scared.  My grandfather took me to Providence hospital and they initially confirmed it was anxiety.  I was so ready to run from the hospital.  So I called work and told them, 'I quit', but I got medicine to calm me down.  It happened on a Wednesday or Thursday because I had time to recover. I did return to work the following Monday, but it was deeply quiet.  I talked to the managers about the hit, but it seems for the remaining of my contract work I hardly could not do anything but have conversations while breaking down in tears.  My contract ended in December 2007 and Northrup Grumman never did turn me permanent after I told them what Karl Kawano (a Hawaiian US Marine) did and everyone else (Ivory Banks served in US Navy and her husband - Mr. Donnie Banks, Mogana served in US Army, Chris served in US Marines, Ethan - an asian dude, a civilian India dude) defended his actions on assaulting me in the chest because I said, "Hello." in the hallway right outside the SCIF next to the elevators.  I did called 911, but they did not come out because I was not injured.  They all said and believed I was crazy because I was attempting to connect with them on creating a professional relationship based on various topics.  At the same time, I did not pay enough attention to politics and the news.  The United States was heading into an economic downturn.  I could not find another job or contract after December 2007 so which lead to losing my 3222 Theodore R Hagans Dr NE home to foreclosure and all my stuff in PODS New Jersey thinking I was going to New York. For 3222 Theodore R Hagans Dr NE and I am still the first owner, the one who designed the house, and still use the address.  I tried to rent it out, but I was not marketing fast enough.  I went on a date with one of the Speed sisters, thought about the date hard, and then wrote a long, crazy detailed email about marriage, having kids, etc, from one of America's pressures to project a certain image. I tremendously had hard flashbacks on my previous relationships, such as loving Monica and kissing Kim.

In 2008, another whirlwind of losing control came and it was big. I did go to New York and stayed with Jewish guy in Harlem for a month, but my mind said return back to Washington, DC to 3222 DC home.  I was getting treatment through DC Department of Mental Health on K Street NE, Kaiser Permanente when it was on North Capitol St NE, George Washington University Hospital and Washington Hospital Center.  Something was happening physically, my body worked out so much mentally and physically, it said rest.  I loss lots of time in resting.  My largest rest period was sleeping for a full week. I use the medicine Klonopin and I fell asleep on Monday, did have intermittent wake ups to eat, drink and bathroom breaks, did not come back to norm until the following Sunday.  During that rest period, my visions especially when I thought I open my eyes and could not see anything, I saw wars, heaven, hell, earth, the universe, the entire bible, and the foundation structure my mother brought me up on.  It was a scary feeling because I tried to wake up and open my eyes, but when I thought I opened them, the vision is all I saw...nothing of today's reality.  I experienced a serious loss of communication.  I did bring my friends, and some family members to see the home. I met the neighbors.  For some odd reason, my mind or it was injected thought go to New York. Mind you, my Ford Expedition is broken down in 3222 DC home garage, I had no job, and no money. Guess what my body did, it started the path of walking Route 1, it was a cool fall week around 60s...I was only drinking water. I only had a short sleeve t-shirt, abercrombie pants tie with shoe string, no underwear, and shoes without laces.  I kept doing number 1 inside and outside my pants.  I never had to do number 2.  I loss track of time while walking Route 1.  I remember WMATA bus did give me a ride up to Laurel.  I just kept walking and no rest and the street signs kept saying Washington Blvd/Baltimore Ave.  I did stop to a Goodwill Thrift store asking for a coat. Thank you Goodwill for the coat.  It became night and I saw the beaming glow of Baltimore, but mind said, 'It was hell.'  I diverted and headed onto the Interstate 695 trying to find Interstate 95 to New York.  I got on the Interstate and it plenty of back and forth. A guy did stop and asked me where I was going. I just kept jumping in and out of his SUV, and not saying nothing...the I saw a vision of 'crack and cocaine' if I rode with him. I got out. I kept walking. Someone called 911 while I was walking and ask if I needed help. I ran on the opposite side of traffic because a thought of suicide came to mind. I never thought of suicide or hurting myself ever. But everyone stopped, looked, and got out and held me down until an ambulance came.  They kept asking me my name since I did not have any identification or money on me.  My mind kept saying give another name, but nothing came out, I thought about saying Kenneth.  Another push of the entire Library of Congress came through me.  I went to MedStar Harbor / Franklin Medical Center Hospital in Baltimore, MD, and it was happening at the time of voting and the Presidential Election because that was on television (Obama's re-election moment).  MedStar Harbor Hospital / Franklin Medical Center confirmed I had schizophrenia and depression.  People were talking to me, but I could not say a thing. They did a MRI and inserted dye into my brain for anything wrong.  Nothing was abnormal. They did have strapped to the bed because the yelling and screaming returned.  After a week at MedStar Harbor / Franklin Medical Center Hospital, they sent me to Sheppard-Pratt Psychiatric Ward. It was definite different. I got further needed rest. However, the nurses, case worker, and doctors did find out who I was and started me on Eli Lilly's Zyprexa 20mg and Celexa 20mg. I was slow and drowsy as heck and can only do one task for the day.  My daddy (not my biological father) and his wife came and got me. I stayed with them in Upper Marlboro, MD and yes, they did get the funk of homelessness because the medicine knocked me out so hard I could not bathe as I normally do or change clothes as often.  After DC Mental Health Dept, Kaiser, and MedStar Washington Hospital Center treatment plans and reducing the medicine, my final psychiatrist stated I needed to ween off the medication.  He did not say why, but I guess the medication had some after effects.  I applied for Social Security Disability and SSI, and was denied because of age, education, work experience, and illness not severe enough.

In 2010, I recovered and back to life living independently again and moved back to Washington, DC in an apartment and working for US Department of Transportation.

In 2012, I moved to Connecticut for United Technologies - Pratt and Whitney opportunities. I got an apartment and then the company I was with was not to be trusted because the work was only for six months and my apartment lease was a year.  Infotech Enterprises (now Cyient) stated it was a year contract.  So life threw me for a loop.  I had to think fast so I moved to New York City, Manhattan, Chelsea area. Yes, I was living out of my Mercedes-Benz vehicle along with hotels, motels, and rented a room in Connecticut.  At the same time, I was taking my medicine at night.  However, with New York, so much was going on and so fast, I kept up, but I became mentally sick/ill when my work ended and no more money came.  I had to think fast.  My vision with New York and Connecticut was that I was a real Superman. I felt big, so powerful, like a Greek god, so affluent, and heavy spender thinking I was on top of my game and another job will come.  I went from working out at Planet Fitness to the luxurious Equinox gyms.  I was running and competing with teams.  It was New York...nobody can compete. One evening in my sleep when all the voices in my head were swirling at a minimum, a large heavy voice said - Harvey, Illinois.  Since the Mercedes-Benz failed emissions and I was out of work, I could not take the car or afford the payments anymore and car was repossessed, and I told all the MB USA headquarters and dealers that touched that car what a very bad experience that car and I had.  In New York, you saw everything people giving, people taking, people in the nude, people dealing drugs, people drinking, people smoking, professional people who were homeless but was able to have new attire/underwear on a consistent basis, people in fashion, LGBTQ community, visitors/tourists, accidents, horns blaring, cops everywhere, filming movies/videos, festivals, parades, people yelling/arguing, kids all over the place, etc.  My brain was processing it all.  Since I made a decision not to take the car with me to Illinois to get to know my biological father's family, so as a part of illness, I had to physically toss some items that were true memorabilia and all my textbooks purchased from University of Phoenix in Connecticut's recycling and trash center.  Someone caught me tossing the books and stated there was a stand or section I could donate the books.  I lost some more precious stuff.  So I bought a large army bag, Amtrak ticket, Armani bag, and TCS backpack, and headed to Illinois via Washington, DC.  I did not tell the biological father's family I was coming...something indicated to me to see if they even accept me as family as I never lived with any of them.

In 2015, it was one hell of a year plus 2016 as hell went on. The Amtrak ride and community was tough. It was hard to sleep. I got there to Chicago. I made some calls. The first thing came out of everyone's mouth, "You did not tell us you were coming." I stayed still for a couple days at an aunt's house. I started doing paperwork and doing the stuff I did everywhere else.  I even went back to Downtown Chicago and spent time in an old neighborhood.  I started looking for work. I was still on my medications, but I was weening off. I felt very different and mentally ill.  My medication was doing something different at a reduced dosage of 10mg. A good friend of mine was working and living in Kenosha, Wisconsin, and I was the godfather to her daughter.  I applied to Amazon and got the job, but I stayed with her for a little while and could not stay because my friend (she) was going through professional job changes.  I got the job a Moaz Vegetarian at Fashion Outlets of Chicago (Rosemont Mall).  It was good and fun. I was taking the storage drives of information and data, and sending the photos, resumes, and stuff I was hoarding since 1999, when the invention of the digital cameras and camera phones started taking place.  I sent back every picture to my friends, my biological father's family, my Nelson family, my maternal mother's family, and did not make it send New Jersey back the photos. I sent my resumes to all the churches I attended in South Carolina, Georgia, and Washington, DC.  And at the mall while working at Moaz, I had the test to see if I still had mental illness.  So someone brought me some Lindt chocolate, and it tasted so good. I went started eating the chocolate, and limited intake of caffeine while on the medication once a week.  Oh my god, life and everyone I sent information too sent back the largest anxiety and hurt, I ever felt.  The severe illness started March 27, 2016, then the severe onset happened Sunday, April 3, 2016 and lasted until April 10, 2016. The visions this time came pushing all the technology, such as facebook images, all the photos images, all my passwords, all my usernames, all superstitions, all the laws, whitman walker's we see you (I never knew the slogan), etc. I was sitting, nodding in and out of consciousness at various Starbucks, and Barnes and Noble bookstores, and I felt the power of the Catholics doing an exorcism of pulling my soul away from my body...and saying he is ready because the name of Cross schools came through a different way.  The cops asked me if I murdered someone. I told them, "No." and my mind started racing again. Another suicide thought was being pushed to jump off N Wells Street bridge into the river...and I was literally standing at the edge of the bridge and looking at the water...later my mind returned me back to N State St bridge...again staring at the water preparing to jump.  The flashback I heard as a kid was to my cousins Thurl, Marcus, and Arnold's father nicknamed Orange's story of jumping off Cross/Pineville bridge and drowning.  At the library, I was nodding off hard and people were circling me to take my things.  I was running up and down every street and block from Roosevelt and S. Clark St all the way to N Halsted St and W Fullerton Ave.  Time was lost....night and day happened three times in one setting while riding the bus.  Communication was lost because phone had all these options I did not remember turning on.  The voices I heard was every single person from facebook, google, yahoo, all my families, all my friends, former colleagues, former classmates, Barack Obama, and the negative voices, such as I killed my mother by thoughts or childbirth, and then came the heavy voice at the end - Washington.  My mind was racing so fast that I was running into things.  I was crossing the streets while sleeping wide awake. Then a heavyset of reality aches, pains, and raw emotions fell upon me like I was about to be a cripple. Northwestern, Rush, and University of Illinois nursed me back to health, but confirmed my mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression) came directly from the family and all biological connections.  I applied for Social Security Disability and SSI again - I was denied because of age, education, and work experience - my illness was not severe enough.  Then, when all was settle and done, a cartoon repeatedly kept playing in my head with Lincoln and Washington playing ball like we were kids.  April 3, 2016 is a date I will forever remember and stress to anyone I am not speaking to like I did before.  I became a full fledged, non-caring adult like everyone else in the world.  On and after April 3, 2016, I do not care about money, bills, any responsibilities, materialistic things, people, etc.  If I am not interacting with you like I did before, I am combination of mother and father, but I am not either of them so do not expect what they did to you from me!  Both mother and father has passed away, I am living for me, I am taking care of me.  All decisions and blame stated I was the one to create the loss, I was the one that made people angry, I was the one that did the mistake, I was the one that caused all this, so I will be the one to move forward to a life I want and need.  Yes, I own up to it and accept it.  It will never happen again like this for the remainder of my life with the exception of doing it all again in Europe.  Again, harder flashbacks happened regarding my previous relationships, again loving Monica hard and other girls that I fell for. I just never returned back to Atlanta.

In 2016, I returned back to Washington, DC acting like nothing happened. I applied for Social Security Disability and SSI again - and denied because of age, education, and work experience.  I went back to work at the Pentagon, they invited me to work and within two weeks assaulted me a 2nd and 3rd time assuming the same result. I told this time and they took my clearance.  I quit. The lawsuit case went further this time than the first.  However, I did not get anything money wise or job wise, they did not fix my clearance, and here are the published files for anyone who have been assaulted by a military person or civilian contractor.  Make sure you file under the Federal Claims Tort Act (you have to bring it up administratively through the US Dept of Defense before pursuing a civil suit).  These are the files and links to the documents.  Good luck to the next person or next generations.  I met John, 77 years of age from Massachusetts, from my Washington Hospital Center Intensive Outpatient Therapy and he showed me I will be okay by myself as long as I have that one friend by my side and continue to take care of myself.  The remaining crazy behavior I am left with is talking to myself or outloud quietly with mannerisms.  I did admit to 9-1-1 about wanting to kill someone for upsetting my safe space, and sent MPD an email about someone murdering someone on a particular street.

In 2019, after one thousand plus (1000+) sex adventures and partners, the sex machine (me) had to pause the sexual activity June 2019 because New York, Atlanta, District of Columbia, Connecticut, New England, that unnamed city starts with "C", Midwest, and Maryland were sending people - two and three partners a week.  Thanks Atlanta, Georgia for my paid, private sex worker days (undercover as a message therapist) - I was my own pimp.  Yes, I thank the good Lord the ability to use all my blessed body parts to ensure every sexual or non-sexual partner have a happy ending.  My job for adults over age 18 to make you nutt (necessary) or feel my nutt (not necessary).  Yes, the mental illness medication at a higher dosage did slow down the activity and I played with Cialis and Levitra, but I really did not need Cialis and Levitra because it gave me a headache at any dosage and my penis hard for days close to a week.  I was happy with my natural erections.  Yes, if I stayed a paid sex worker I could have been a millionaire by now, but life did not want me to make money that way including for all the rules and laws I was breaking.  I never pay for sex, but I will accept any complimentary funds or tips for my sexual actions.  However, those humans showing their blessed goodies in good way on a stage or pole, I will be the first to step up to place and give those dollar(s) where it will be happy and get my feel of those parts.  Another part of mental illness and before technology, I was actually keeping track of each and every partner details just so I could track back any possible STDs, then technology came and I tracked them in notepad and outlook personal information manager, then life stated I did not need to keep track of anything while I kept testing myself and taking care of myself.  Again, for any relationship partner, I never cheated on you, all my sexual experiences and energy went directly to you when the decision to become monogamous, and the minute I left or you left the relationship I went back to my old ways.

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I have finally graduated from the University of Phoenix with a Doctor of Management.  Yes, I am Dr. Collins.  I have a hardcopy of my work published by ProQuest, copyrighted by me on record at the United States Copyright Office, and stored at Library of Congress.  I did get my diploma in the mail and has been shown in previous post.

My celebration is small. If anyone who is not a doctor and knew me before I was a doctor calls me doctor, I will throw every fruit and vegetable to you and save the watermelon for last...ROTFL...Keeping it 100!  I am still Manley or Marvell.

Law Schools for 2019-2020 Admissions Cycle
Albany Law School - Applied - Transmitted Sent
Boston College Law School - Applied - Transmitted Sent
Charleston School of Law - Applied - Transmitted Sent
Columbia University School of Law - Applied - Transmitted Sent
Harvard Law School - Applied - Transmitted Sent
University of South Carolina School of Law - Applied - Transmitted Sent
Stanford University Law School - Applied - Transmitted Sent
Yale Law School - Applied - Transmitted Sent
University of Toronto Faculty of Law
Osgoode Hall Law School, York University

Student loans fiasco.  I am graduating with $130K in student loans with University of Phoenix has $85K of it, but I had suspect the University was going through something with so many campuses closing and downsizing.  I was on track to do a civil lawsuit in Arizona (superior/circuit and federal court), and make available a class action suit for time spent and stress.  However, God worked in mysterious ways....I give credit to the Federal Trade Commission, NBCNews, and Twan (a South Carolina friend) for letting me know University of Phoenix has to cancel student loan debt from students enrolled from 2012 to 2016.  Since I was a student enrolled from 2011 to 2019, we are keeping fingers crossed, hair crossed, legs crossed and whole lot of prayers to see the outcome.  University of Phoenix does not have a career center or career advisors so I am fishing on my own to find some type of job that can validate the doctoral degree.  I have no employment at this time.  This is the response I got from University of Phoenix Student Financial Services, "The settlement with the FTC only applies to outstanding invoices with the University of Phoenix for students that enrolled between 10/1/2012 - 12/31/2016. There is no loan forgiveness included in that settlement. Since there is no balance due on the account at this time your account will not be impacted by this settlement."